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A Fun Formula for Your Dating History
“The Number”: Simple Math To Figure Out How Many Sexual Partners You’ve Had
You’re at a bar with friends (i.e. real friends, semi-real friends, the girl who buys the Jager shots, the “wasted” guy that makes out with trannies, actual trannies, etc.), and your frienemy that was in a sorority in college asks the sobering question, “SO, y’all, what’s your number? You know, your NUMBER. How many people have you done IT with?” And because you want to already slap the shit out of her for calling sex “it,” you laugh it off – awkwardly…
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But then, something happens. You start thinking/reminiscing/having seizures …damn, how many people HAVE I humped and dumped (98.7% have dumped you, but this makes you sound cooler in your head)!? Since the Always Lie About Your Number Bill passed in 1863 (thanks, Lincoln!), we know this number can we be nowhere near the truth.
So because I’m a pretty good liar, I’m going to equip you a simple math equation that will give you your perfect number of fuddle* buddies.
*You know, that position where you’re awkwardly boning while side-by-side cuddling – the fuddle.
Begin with every one you can legitimately remember off hand. We’ll start big and whittle it down. (That’s what she said.)
MINUS
People whose last names are a little blurry. If you can’t Facebook creep these people, they obviously have no place being on your Trist List (or alive in general). Also, there are 765,437 Michael’s in NYC on Facebook, in case anyone was wondering.
MINUS
That really hairy guy/girl. They definitely don’t count. You were desperate, plus it was winter. Wait, it was summer and it was probably Sasquatch, so definitely subtract this from the Trist List. *Insert NAIR ad here*
PLUS
Everyone you got jiggy with in high school. Brings up bad memories, huh? That’s what you get for not adding these Jnco jean wearin’ assholes in step one. Stop cheating!
DIVIDED BY
Everyone you took to the Bone Zone that you actually “loved”. I know what you’re thinking, you can’t divide by zero. But when I say “loved,” I totally open that up to include the guy/girl that works at your bodega/corner store that says “Dayuuumn, Mami/Papi.” every morning when you get your shitty coffee. Yeah, maybe you were really into Foreigner and wanted to know what love was, and they were there to show you by licking their disgustingly chapped lips at you.
EQUALS
The golden number that you can use on every OKCupid/Match.com/Loveawake (yikes!) date you go on from now on! You’re welcome, party people.