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Does Longevity in the Past = Mature Dater Today?
This post and the discussion that follows about signs someone might be a good bet for being in a committed relationship is worth a read. Both for the positive points it makes, such as suggesting asking yourself if someone seems emotionally mature or not, and also the ones I believe aren't effective. Let's take a closer look at two points that appear to be good signs on the surface, but actually aren't in and of themselves.
1. Holding the same job for several years.
On the one hand, it demonstrates that someone is responsible enough to show up to work, get something done, and keep in the good graces of their boss(es). At the same time, it can also be a demonstration that someone has zero interest in growing as a person, doesn't have a terribly diverse set of skills or interests, or is more invested in being comfortable than in challenging themselves.
To be honest, I personally don't put a lot of stock in someone's job history when it comes to dating. I, myself, have been everything from the guy in the same job for several years to unemployed for periods of time. My ability to commit or not commit to someone really hasn't changed with my job status. It's always been related to other factors, such as the level to which I was or wasn't over relationships from the past.
2. Having long term friendships is a positive sign.
Honestly, this one feels the same as the last. Some people simply maintain the same old friendships from their younger days, not because those friendships are mutually enriching, but because they are comfortable and provide a buffer from loneliness, among other things. In addition, there are those who have long term friendships that are primarily focused either around things like shared substance abuse, or are connections with single dimensions (such as guys who love the same sports teams, but really have nothing else in common.)
Overall, it's more important to get a sense of the quality behind any longevity in someone's personal history, instead of taking it as an immediate sign that someone has their shit together. In this age of consumer driven dating, it's really easy to get suckered by what turn out to be superficial criteria. Instead of ticking things off your list, go deeper and see beyond the flash to the substance (or lack of substance) within.
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Confidence
Confidence. In the dating world, it's one of the gold standards. Simply put, confident people are attractive. Sexy even.
However, it's fine line between confidence and arrogance. And furthermore, for those who are attached to how others view them, it doesn't take much to be thrown off into doubt and timidness.
People have told me before that I am a confident person, and to some degree, that's true. In recent years, I have been more direct and clear in my intimate relationships. For a good decade, I stood before classes of learners everyday and usually could talk or direct things so that learning occurred. In addition, I have been a leader in multiple non-profit communities, and have done a lot of social activist work, including lobbying legislative leaders.
At the same time, I have learned that such confidence can be fragile. Perhaps you have heard the kind of voices I sometimes hear. Like "You're not good enough" or "It will be really bad if you fail." Or maybe you're saying these things to yourself, but don't even hear it.
Whether you are still single and looking, or are in a relationship, it's important to pay attention to what you are telling yourself. Especially when you feel afraid, confused, or angry.
Simply developing an ability to hear undercutting self-talk lessens its power over you. Even if you still sometimes believe you aren't good enough, or that whatever mistake you made renders you a failure - just bringing those stories into a conscious place is a major step.
I think a lot of us have this idea that confident people rarely feel afraid, upset, or confused. That they sail through dates without worry, and have little trouble when they are in intimate relationships.
But all of that is simply a story. You don't have to be superhuman to be confident.
Just learn to see negative self talk for what it is: a story that doesn't serve you.