dating.milaulas.com
Can You Really Settle for Love?
Should women learn to accept being with a man who is good, but who doesn’t feel like the “one”?
A couple of weeks ago, I (Christine) got an email from my friend Emily telling me about the book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. Her book club had just had their “liveliest discussion yet” about the material, an easy deduction from the title. (At least in my mind.)
As a woman in her 40s who decided to have a baby on her own since she hadn’t yet found “Mr. Right” (and time was running out), Gottlieb now looks back with regret in giving up those good-but-not-great men in her 30s.
Of course, I went straight to the old world wide web and searched for some info on this heretic.
This is what I found – an article she wrote for the Atlantic in 2008. And here is what she had to say:
To the outside world, of course, we still call ourselves feminists and insist—vehemently, even—that we’re independent and self-sufficient and don’t believe in any of that damsel-in-distress stuff, but in reality, we aren’t fish who can do without a bicycle, we’re women who want a traditional family. And despite growing up in an era when the centuries-old mantra to get married young was finally (and, it seemed, refreshingly) replaced by encouragement to postpone that milestone in pursuit of high ideals (education! career! but also true love!), every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried…And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.
And…that’s when I got pissed.
Of course, I’m in my early 30s, have never been wedded (ha) to the idea of marriage, and don’t know if I want children. I get that I’m not a 40-year-old woman desperate to have someone help me share the load of raising a kid and working to be able to afford to raise that kid.
Nonetheless, I don’t respond well to being told I’m lying to myself, and that it is inevitable, as I get older and disregard those not-quite-right-guys, that I will suddenly find myself alone and completely unlovable.
But, more about that later.
Looking For Love Online ? Join Loveawake free dating service:
Algeria Women Seeking Single Men
Women Seeking Dutch Men For Dating
In the meantime, I was really interested to see what Carlo thought about the article (disclaimer: neither of us have read the book yet, and some commenters say the Atlantic article is not a fair representation of the book). And then I was further interested to hear what Christen and Tom had to say from their different life perspectives.
So we ended up here, with our own takes on Gottlieb’s message. I thought it would be great to start with the guys’ perspective, one later in his 30s and the other earlier in his 20s. Next week, we’ll have the female response from both Christen and I.
Take it, boys:
Carlo
I find it hard to take seriously anyone who culls relationship advice from television sitcoms (Friends, Will & Grace) and Hollywood movies (Broadcast News). In the same breath, Lori Gottlieb decries the “fantasy” of romance and the perfect marriage while turning to one of the main sources of this cultural phenomenon to relate scripted situations to her real life (and, by extension, your real life).
Hollywood and the media have done a bang up job in over-romanticizing relationships. From the time we are little we are led to believe that we are meant to find “the one” and raise children with them. This is our culture. Jerry Maguire gave us “you complete me,” as if we can’t be complete without another person. Herein lies the root of the problem.
I can understand some of the points she makes (like fairy-tales are for movies and books, not real life) but she fails to take it down another level. She still speaks within the constructs of what our culture embeds in our brains from the time we’re born. Namely that to live a fulfilled life one needs to get married and have children (I’m leaving the house and two cars out of this for now).
Whether or not this “need” to have children is cultural or biological is up for debate, but even if millions of years of evolution do play a role in it (which I’m sure it does to some extent) we now have the intelligence and intellect to rise above those seemingly innate feelings. And I know I can’t speak from a woman’s perspective on this matter, but I do know several females who have decided that they do not want children (and trust me, they are not — as Lori might say — kidding themselves).
So that leads me to believe that the most pressure to get married and have kids is from society (and, probably more directly, from family). This is what must be looked at before going into the question of “should you settle?” The more important questions, I think, are “why do you want to get married and why do you want children?” There are plenty of people who have no business being in a marriage or being a parent.
Kids aside, let’s talk about marriage (or having a long term partner). I can definitely relate to wanting this; in fact, I had this. The idea to have a companion in life to share things with and understand you is comforting. But I’m still not convinced that this necessarily needs to come in the form of a significant other for a lifetime. Love and companionship might come from a series of monogamous relationships, or it might come from polyamorous ones. It might come in the form of a tight community. Humans aren’t meant to be alone; I agree with that. We are social creatures.
What is missing from society — where I think we fail as a society — is the encouragement for everyone to love and respect themselves. We are brought up thinking that in order to be fulfilled we need someone else in our lives. When the topic of discussion is a “troubled” guy or girl, I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this phrase: “He/she just needs to find a woman/man.” No. I think this is the last thing this person needs. We need to be taught how to penetrate ourselves with love and respect.
We spend so much time in need and want of that other person to complete us. If we complete ourselves, do things we enjoy, and surround ourselves by like individuals, natural relationships occur. I am learning this in my mid-30s. I can only imagine what it would be like if this is what we were taught as children, to let go of the neediness and wanting, to be taught that we alone have the power to make ourselves happy. To be OK as an individual, to be OK alone. Healthy and meaningful relationships will develop naturally, rather than under the pretense and pressure of romantic ones. Then, there is no need to settle for anything.
Tom
Being a young male this article was an interesting read. I believe that settling is not the option and never should be. This article takes the terms “soul mate, lust, true love, and marriage” and manipulates them into words fueled by what we can assume is bitterness.
The author states the “zing” no longer exists when married couples start discussing checkbooks, diapers, and running errands. However, I believe that is when the “zing” matters most. When you are tired and broke but can look into each other’s eyes and be confident that you truly love the other, that’s what gets you through. You get a few giddy butterflies and remember the feelings you once had, stop arguing, and realize what is important, which is that your passionate love was once there and you’re still meant to be regardless of the petty issues.
If a man or women settles, it’s inevitable that they’ll wake up one morning from a dream of what could’ve been. That perhaps they would have been happier alone than mediocre and married. This dream isn’t going away either, it is one that’s ingrained in everyday life, every movie, every meal, every time they secretly look at flights to far away places and dream of the hubby who would jump the next flight with them, or every time the cute stranger smiles at them. I believe the “what if” will eventually plague them into a midlife crisis or crying at 2AM while eating a box of Oreos.
The whole article paints “the one” so harshly and parades “settling” as some glorious new coming of what life is really like. Knowingly settling with a partner could never be more depressing than being single and conscious that perhaps marriage and the family bit may have just not been your fate.
“I thought, Yeah, I’ll see him again. Maybe I can settle for that. But my very next thought was, Maybe I can settle for better. It’s like musical chairs—when do you take a seat, any seat, just so you’re not left standing alone?”
I would rather settle alone than take the chair and have a sore ass; at least you could say you played the game.
If a women settles for a man, how much respect is she really showing him? That settling attitude will eventually shine through. Settling isn’t the proper approach to finding love in life – I believe in living your life with passion, as you never know when you’ll turn the corner and bump into your dream man. No matter if you’re 18 or 80.