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Ok.

So v-day is right around the corner and you still find yourself date-less. What the hell are you supposed to do??

Don’t fret my dears, the champ is here, with three great things to do if dateless on valentines day

1. “Task-your-fate” …and be creative.

obviously, since you’re alone, you’re probably not completely foreign to the concept of master racin. You and pastor chasin are probably greatly acquainted with each other. Still, today’s a special day, so you should treat yourself and be creative. Remember, no one will love you unless you love yourself first, so give yourself a head start on that loving feeling

Go lefty.

Introduce a prop.

Introduce a pop. (i don’t how you’d actually pull this off, but you’re being creative, remember?)

Give yourself a “happy pants” at a packed movie theater. (bonus points if its “the reader“)

Find a full length mirror and, ummm, use it.

Pull a “stranger”.

Make yourself a four course candlelight dinner, and bend yourself over the table in-between courses because you couldn’t keep your hands off yourself.

Remember, the world’s your oyster, so break your oyster’s back.

2. Send yourself flowers at work

***if flowers aren’t your cup of tea, fell free to substitute chocolate, satin boxer briefs, or anything else your lonely ass would think a valentine would get you***

This is perfect because there are only a few legal things more exciting than getting sh*t delivered to you at work. Plus, why you should be the only one in the office with a pathetically barren and loveless cubicle?

Also, dont worry, no one actually needs to find out that you bought these for yourself…and you don’t even have to lie! If a nosy co-worker does inquire, just reply “my favorite person bought them for me. the love of my life, the only one who’s ever held me at night”. Sure, repeating this sentence aloud might force you to cry, but for all your colleagues know, they’re tears of joy!

Also, its not a terrible idea to order these flowers while you’re in a drunken stupor. This way, you won’t remember actually ordering them, allowing you to genuinely surprise yourself when they come.

3. Volunteer

When discussing volunteerism in education/outreach/social services circles, its a commonly held notion that young (21-35 year old) singles are usually underrepresented. To expound in my most politically incorrect manner, “n*ggas don’t volunteer”.

I wish i could provide some contrasting evidence to refute this, but i’ve seen the exact same thing. Thing is, usually “i’m too busy right now. i don’t have the time” is the refrain heard when i’ve attempted to recruit young (and educated) singles to volunteer in various capacities, a fact which makes v-day excuse proof.

I mean, you’re already date-less and plan-less, so use this day to give some kids at the local Y some of the love your ass isn’t getting. Sh*t, if you’re lucky, you might even find a kid willing to babysit your cats when you finally go on that date in 9 months.

There you have it: three foolproof and exciting things to do if banned from the twincities of coitustown and companionville on february 14th.

Remember (to quote chuck): if life gives you lemons, just say “f*ck the lemons” and bail